Schlumpy Montoya

 

Schlumpy’s place of birth has been a matter of scrutiny for many years, while his features are almost identical to that of the Indochinese Tiger (primarily based in Vietnam) his characteristics, behaviours and mannerisms are similar to that of a horny, alcoholic, womanising human. Schlumpy always enjoyed a degree of anonymity regarding his place of birth, however; he has recently confirmed what many of his loyal fans have believed for many years……………”I’m a walking, talking, drinking, bitching rock star from the planet Pimp – I am Pimp’s sole survivor following a collison with the Moon. I got wasted one night and stole a spaceship, I witnessed the destruction of my own planet from outer space. My people were known as Schlumpies; which is why I have adopted the name Schlumpy in rememberance of my obliterated family”.

 

Schlumpy lost control of his spaceship following the decimation of his home planet and hurtled violently towards Earth; ejecting his seat and landing in China. “I managed to keep a low profile for some time, blending in with the surroundings and nourishing myself with the dregs found in the bottom of empty bottles and glasses left outside bars, alcohol is the stable diet of a Schlumpy; the fact that is widely available on Planet Earth is the sole reason for my survival to this day”.

 

While sleeping in a overgrown area in Beijing one evening – a group of Chinese poachers captured Schlumpy (with the likely intention of selling his fur). Schlumpy spent three weeks being held captive in the basement of the famous “13 Club” in central Beijing. “Being held captive was initially the most terrifying experience of my life” admits Schlumpy. “The only thing that got me through were the loud, amazing and inspirational sounds coming from the club upstairs, this was the first time I had heard Heavy Metal – and I loved it”. After surviving on “bottles of Tiger Beer and Heavy Metal” for three weeks, Schlumpy was able to seize an opportunity and escape the basement – after smashing a bottle over the head of one of his captors. “I knew at this point I had to get out of China very quickly, so I ran and swam as far as I could – until I passed out at sea on a plank of wood”.

 

Amazingly, Schlumpy woke up on the shores of the Philippines – completely unscathed but desperately in need of some alcohol. “I searched the immediate area and after a very short while – I found the film set of a War-Drama known as Platoon”. After searching around and avoiding the cast and crew, Schlumpy stumbled upon a dressing room/trailer stocked with alcohol and some mysterious white powder “I drank myself silly and made myself at home” admits Schlumpy. “Just as I was starting to relax – this young guy bursts in, sinks a beer and inhales some of this white powder up his nose – after that he just turned to me and said “hey”, Schlumpy greeted him in the same way. “Holy shit……you can talk” said the guy, “and you’ve been drinking my beer, what the hell is going on?”. It was during this encounter with a young man known as “Charlie” that Schlumpy first told his story and in the process – started a friendship that would span the next three decades.

 

“Me and Charlie had a lot in common, we drank hard, we partied hard and we hooked up with thousands of woman. Charlie actually gave me the adopted surname of “Montoya” because of our love for The Princess Bride movie (naturally our favourite character was Inigo Montoya)”. In between our daily activities – we’d regularly go to gigs in Hollywood; seeing every Rock and Metal band that played the strip between 1985 and 2007″. Schlumpy and Charlie were inseparable celebrity pals for many years, “me and Charlie were #winning every day – until Charlie’s habits began effecting his mind quite badly, I told him that shit had made him bipolar, to which he replied “I’m not bipolar, I’m bi-winning”. “I actually woke one night in January 2007 and found him draining my blood into a bottle labelled “Tiger Blood”, it was at this time I packed up my shit and got a ticket to London, England”.

 

After 7 months of partying hard and taking in the Metal scene in London, Schlumpy made his way to Bloodstock Festival – with the intention of finding work in an industry he loved. “I hooked up with these guy’s known as; The 4 DJs Of The Apocalypse over at Stage 3, I struck up a particularly good relationship with a crew member called Shakey – we partied night and day and along with the rest of the 4DJOTA crew; we worked hard to entertain the crowd at Bloodstock”. Realising Schlumpy’s potential as an entertainer, the 4DJOTA leader; Death, offered Schlumpy a full time role on the crew as the face of their Rock and Metal Karaoke and Party coordinator “I finally found somewhere to share my talents, as well as somewhere that felt like home; surrounded by my Metal Brothers and Sisters within the Apocalypse crew”.

 

Schlumpy continues to work with The 4 DJs of the Apocalypse and is now seen as a general good luck mascot by the crew. “Im so happy with the opportunities that have come my way” explains Schlumpy. Schlumpy and The 4DJOTA promise new things for the upcoming year; “It’s in its early stages at this time – but keep your eyes and ears open for a new online source of Rock and Metal information ” adds Schlumpy, “but im afraid if I told you any more than that – i’d have to kill you” Schlumpy concludes with an innocent, yet slightly maniacal smile.